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When Kimberly Zapata was 12, her mother called her a “mistake.” Earlier that year, Kimberly had lost her father to a ruptured brain aneurysm, a bleeding in the brain which proved fatal, and the tragedy destroyed her relationship with her mother. Overcome with grief, her mother grew withdrawn and became unrecognisable to her children, sleeping most days instead of caring for them, berating and screaming at them in lieu of nurturing and uplifting them. For the next six years, Kimberly and her little brother practically raised themselves before she finally resolved, at 18, to cut her mom off and move out of the family home. Figuratively, she writes, she was “an orphan.” Her father had died and her mother, who was supposed to “love and protect” her, had abandoned her. She was as good as dead. 

Many adult children may resonate with Kimberly’s story. Parental estrangement, despite the silence around the topic, is more common than we imagine. Think: a mother and/or a father, with whom we’ve decided to cut ties because of abuse, neglect, toxic behaviour, or a combination of all three. Though culturally disapproved, the decision to cut off a parent is often a final resort, a necessary severance for the sake of the child’s mental and sometimes, physical wellbeing. 

In July 2020, Kimberly’s mother drew her last breath. Now a literal orphan, Kimberly grieves her estranged parent, though not in ways we might expect. For the adult child with normal, loving parents, news of a parent’s passing may evoke a spontaneous reaction of distress and despair. But for the adult child with an estranged one, they may find themselves experiencing a confusing mix of emotions, including those that may feel ‘wrong’ for the occasion. In this article, we address this disorienting flurry and identify the emotions most commonly felt when one loses their alienated parent(s). Consider this a guide on what to expect in the thick of estranged loss. 

1. Grief

In her article, ‘When an Estranged Relative Dies, Some Face Grief, Regret and Relief,’ The New York Times writer, Caitlin Kelly, interviews adult children whose estranged parents have passed away. Upon learning of their death, many of these children report feeling tremendous grief and sorrow despite the fact that the parent in question was abusive or negligent and they’d initiated the estrangement years ago. What they grieve, we discover, isn’t exactly the parent themselves, but the relationship they never got with them. 

The American Academy of Bereavement explains it like this:

The death of the parent brings to mind ideas of how the relationship should have been. After the loss, the dream for a better relationship remains only a dream, and in many cases people grieve the death of the dream rather than the loss of the person.

It is, in other words, the hypotheticals, the what-may-have-beens, and if-onlys that they mourn.

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2. Regret

When an estranged parent dies, so does the chance for reconciliation and closure. The surviving adult child, as a result, may experience regret or remorse for missing the opportunity to repair their relationship earlier, when they were still alive. Regret over this kind of “unfinished business” is common amongst those who, at some level, had hoped that their relationship with their mother or father might be mended and restored before it was too late. Death, in its finality, dashes that hope and sadly, “closes the door on reconciliation.”

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3. Relief

Perhaps the most controversial emotion one can feel when their parent dies is relief. Estranged or not, our culture expects the bereaved to perform a suitable grief when a blood relative, much less a parent, passes away. When one feels positive emotions like relief and joy instead, they fly in the face of these feeling rules and offend society. Yet, these emotions are not deviant; in fact, they’re extremely common and reasonable. Taboo as that may be, sometimes, when the person who mistreated you your whole life is gone, the most compassionate thing you can do is allow yourself to breathe a sigh of relief.

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Grief, regret or relief, it is important we point out that all responses to the loss of an estranged parent are equally valid; none are superior or more ‘correct’ than the other, even if our culture may say otherwise. In your time of need, know that the grieving process is entirely individual and that it is possible to feel multiple seemingly paradoxical emotions at once. As Huffington Post’s Catherine Pearson puts it, 

It’s essential for grieving parties—and those supporting them—to remember that humans are emotionally complex, and feelings like sorrow, anger, relief and happiness can coexist. When it comes to grief, there is no ‘should.’